A Crooked Christmas Carol
by Marauders4EVR
Summary: An affectionate parody of Charles Dickins' legendary story. Regulus Black arrives on Christmas Eve to warn Severus Snape of a terrible fate; a fate that will be avoided if he follows the advice of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Merry Christmas 2014!


A Crooked Christmas Carol

Author's Note: Merry Christmas 2014!

Severus Snape hated Christmas.

He popped the cork of the bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky. He took a swig and immediately felt his mouth burn. He glanced around his chambers. The walls were coated with frozen slime. A pathetic chandelier hung from the ceiling. Snape's bed was pushed against one wall. A desk sat against his second wall, a wardrobe against the third, and a bookshelf against the fourth.

There were no decorations; not even a rug.

Why would he waste money on such trivial nonsense?

Yes, Severus Snape was certainly one of the cheapest professors at Hogwarts. He worked hard to earn his money—the little that he had—and he wasn't about to waste it.

Which is why he was holding the smallest bottle of firewhisky on the market. He had drained most of it in the first sip alone.

Still, it was enough to ease his pounding migraine.

Fortunately, it was quieter than most Christmas Eves at Hogwarts. Snape supposed that the constant presence of two Death Eaters helped dampen the mood. Still, some students still insisted on celebrating this horrid holiday, much to Snape's chagrin.

Even now, he could hear the distant sound of bells.

Christ, his head was killing him.

Snape rested his head on his pillow and folded the ends over his ears, trying to drown out the noise. It didn't work. If anything, the bells were getting louder.

Louder…

_**LOUDER…**_

And now, the blasted kids were playing a song.

Snape was shocked as he recognized it: Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24. He had heard the tune last year, when passing by a Muggle radio.

Snape rubbed his eyes with his palms.

They couldn't have picked a louder song.

Still, it was at least at the gentlest part—the piano and violins.

He ought to report them to the Carrows.

In fact, he was surprised that the Carrows hadn't already heard the racket. The students would probably be punished. And on Christmas Eve.

No matter.

It wasn't his problem.

"Snaaaaaape."

His eyes flew open and a shiver ran down his spine.

He leapt to his feet, looking around for the wretched prankster.

The temperature in the room had dropped.

Snape wrenched the door open but saw nothing in the vestibule that separated his chambers from the Slytherin Common Room.

"SNAAAAAAAPE!"

And now, the voice was coming from behind him!

Snape whirled around but once again saw nothing.

Or…perhaps…there was something…

A ghost was floating through the wall.

Snape scowled.

Which one was it?

That headless idiot from Gryffindor?

Peeves?

Or perhaps…

Snape's breath escaped him as the ghost slowly looked up.

No…

It couldn't be…

"Regulus?" Snape croaked, "Regulus Black?"

Sure enough, Regulus was hovering several feet off of the ground. And yet, he wasn't as transparent as other ghosts. Nor was he grey. His long hair was raven-black, his eyes were silver, and he was wearing a green tunic over a silver dress shirt.

He was young.

He couldn't have been older than eighteen.

Snape watched as Regulus' mouth curved into a smirk.

Snape immediately recognized the look on his late friend's face.

Regulus was scheming.

Snape realized that the piano and violins were beginning to fade away.

"W…what the Dickens…?" Snape croaked.

Regulus' smirk widened and he whispered, "Precisely."

The music had completely died down.

For a fleeting moment, Snape was drenched in complete silence.

Regulus raised his hand and the music exploded.

Snape shouted out and covered his ears as the dramatic part of the song shook his walls.

Regulus spread his arms out wide and a fog swept into the room. Snape repeated his stunned cry as two silver chains shot from the mist. They slithered towards him, much like snakes. At Regulus' motion, they twisted around Snape, until he was gasping for breath. There was something on the end of them. Boxes…no…weights! Snape desperately tried to wriggle free but they were too tight.

The music continued.

Snape's head pounded to the beat.

And from the fog arose several figures. They looked almost like Dementors. And now the fog was changing. It wasn't fog at all! It was fire! Snape tried to move but the chains wouldn't allow it. He screamed out as the flames crept towards him.

Yet, before they could touch him, Regulus gently brought his hands down. The horrid…things…disappeared, as did the fire and the chains. Snape fell to his hands and knees.

"Thus lies your fate," Regulus simply said.

Snape speechlessly glanced at him.

"It was almost mine," Regulus admitted.

He casually sat on the edge of Snape's bed and continued, "'Doesn't exactly seem like a fun way to spend an eternity, now does it?"

"No," Snape croaked, "It doesn't."

"By the way," Regulus cheerfully said, "Happy Christmas!"

Snape gave a start at the sudden pleasantries.

He grunted.

"Yeah," Regulus sighed, "I thought as much."

"You thought what?"

"You're a bitter man, Severus," Regulus solemnly explained, "You were bitter when we were friends and you've become even more so. And that bitterness is going to end up weighing you down."

"I have every right to be bitter!" Snape spluttered, "You…you have no idea…you died when you were eighteen…before I…you…you have no idea what I've been through!"

"Of course I do," Regulus snorted, "We've been keeping an eye on you."

"We?"

"Yeah."

Regulus hopped to his feet and said, "Speaking of…she'll be here at midnight."

"Wh…what?" Snape spluttered, "What're you talking about?"

"They'll be here at one," Regulus continued.

"Who will!?"

"And it will be here at two," Regulus finished.

"It?"

Regulus sadly smiled and said, "Happy Christmas, my friend."

Snape shouted his name but it was too late.

A gust of wind caused Snape to shiver and hunch over.

When he straightened back up, the room was empty.

Regulus was gone.

Snape nervously glanced at his watch.

Two minutes until midnight…

He began to pace his chambers.

Regulus had said that 'she' would be coming at midnight.

But who was she!?

One minute to go…

Assuming that Regulus had actually been here.

Snape supposed that he could have easily had too much firewhisky.

Thirty seconds…

Then again, it had been a miniscule bottle of firewhisky.

And why would he hallucinate Regulus of all people?

He hadn't thought about Regulus in years.

A clock chimed in the distance.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven.

Twelve…

Snape felt a warmth spread through his body.

His eyes darted around the room.

He gasped as he spotted a figure standing near the door.

It was a woman.

Like Regulus, she wasn't as transparent as other ghosts.

Her red hair was pulled into a side braid. Her green eyes were sparkling. She was wearing a flowing maroon dress that was laced with gold.

Her voice was quite gentle as she said, "Hello, Severus."

Snape didn't know what to say.

He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"This is…" Snape croaked, "This is just a…a blasted dream."

"It's no dream," Lily gently said, "Happy Christmas."

Snape merely grunted.

"Mm," Lily replied, "You never were a fan of the holiday, were you?"

All of a sudden, his dormitory gave a giant lurch.

Snape screamed as the ground fell out from beneath him.

He found himself falling down a long tunnel.

He desperately clawed at the air.

Snape finally landed on the ground with an unsettling crunch.

His heart raced and he desperately tried to catch his breath.

He slowly lifted his head.

It took him a moment to realize that he was lying in the den of his house.

Yet, the furniture was different.

Snape scrambled to his feet and looked around.

A calendar on the wall read:

DECEMBER 25TH, 1965

And there he was!

Or rather, there was the five-year-old him.

He was sitting on the tattered couch, sadly kicking his legs back and forth.

Several bottles littered the floor.

Snape walked over and stared at his younger self.

Yet, his younger self didn't return the gaze.

Lily suddenly appeared at his side.

"He can't see you," Lily explained.

"I've noticed," Snape muttered.

He faced her and cried, "Why have you brought me here?"

"You need to face your past," Lily explained, "In order to understand your present and to prepare for your future."

Snape rolled his eyes.

Lily sighed and sadly said, "You're a bitter man, Severus."

"So I've been told," Snape bit, "Then again, I don't know anyone who would be so inclined to be haunted by the faces of his past."

"Speaking of the past," Lily gently said, "What do you remember of this day?"

"Father was sleeping," Snape quietly explained, "He had come home early in the morning. I remember...his breath had smelled like fire."

"Your mother did her best to make the holiday special," Lily gently pointed out.

Indeed, the two watched as Eileen entered the room. She had quickly applied some foundation over a bruised cheek. Her smile was forced as she handed her son a small package. It was a hand-knitted scarf.

"Happy Christmas, Severus," Eileen whispered.

Snape looked at the sight with disgust.

"This was a tradition for years," Snape angrily muttered, "Each Christmas more bitter than the last. But then..."

The room shifted.

He stumbled and staggered.

Fortunately, he didn't fall.

He straightened back up and glanced over at the calendar.

DECEMBER 25TH, 1970

The boy on the mangy couch was ten. He was holding a pair of handmade mittens.

A tap at the window caused the boy to excitedly look up. He leapt to his feet and crossed the room in a single stride. He opened the door and saw that a girl was standing on the other side. The two silently raced outside and began to build a snowman.

"You were my only friend," Snape quietly spoke up.

"At the time, yes," Lily agreed, "But you made other friends at Hogwarts."

The room abruptly shattered. Snape yelled out and covered his face. When he brought his hands down, he saw that he was in the Slytherin Common Room.

He was sitting with Regulus, Avery, and Mulciber.

He, Avery, and Mulciber were in their sixth year. Regulus was in his fifth.

"So, Black," Avery spoke up, "I heard your cousin went and married a Mudblood."

"She's not my cousin," Regulus softly said, "Not any more."

His eyes briefly shone with sadness but they quickly hardened.

"Speaking of Mudbloods," Mulciber added, "Is Evans still swearing every time she sees you?"

Snape glanced at Lily.

She gave him a sly smirk in return.

They watched as his younger self slunk up to the dormitory to spend his Christmas alone.

Snape glanced at the calendar and watched as the years flew by. They went to various places—his house, the bar in Diagon Alley, the Malfoy Manor, his chambers…

He was alone for each Christmas.

"My happy Christmases were over," Snape sullenly said.

"And whose fault was that?" Lily asked.

"Oh, so that's it!?" Snape retorted, "You're here to remind me that I screwed up my life. I and I alone! Well, I already know that! So, if you'll kindly take me back to my chambers!"

"You didn't completely screw up," Lily gently said.

Snape gave her a dubious look.

"At least you tried to make things right," Lily pointed out.

Snape realized that the two were standing on the hill. He watched his twenty-year-old doppelganger desperately talk to Dumbledore.

"You went to Dumbledore on behalf of our protection," Lily gently said.

"Not that it made a difference," Snape bitterly pointed out.

"True," Lily agreed, "But you did hold up your end of the bargain. You still agreed to watch over my son."

"How…how do you know all of this?"

"Of course," Lily replied, "Like Regulus said…we've been keeping an eye on you."

"You two are friends then," Snape finally mumbled, "In the…the afterlife?"

"Oh, sure," Lily laughed, "He and Sirius are inseparable."

"Right," Snape slowly said, "So…is Black coming?"

"He should be here any minute," Lily cheerfully said.

"Here?"

Snape looked around and realized that they were standing back in his chambers.

Lily was giving him a sad smile.

"Lily," Snape croaked, "I…I'm…"

"Happy Christmas, Severus."

There was a flash of light and she was gone.

Snape called her name and was met with silence.

"Brilliant," Snape muttered, "Just…brilliant! The last thing I needed was a reminder that my Christmases were horrible!"

He kicked his bedframe and swore.

"How'd that feel?"

Snape whipped around.

James and Sirius were floating behind him. An invisible wind was tugging their jet-black hair. They were each wearing a magnificent set of maroon robes with gold accents.

Snape felt a rush of hatred towards them.

They didn't seem to feel the same.

In fact, both were happily smiling.

James' tone was quite merry as he cried, "Happy Christmas, Severus!"

"Get out," Snape hissed, "NOW!"

"'Can't do that," Sirius apologetically said, "Not until you learn your lesson."

"And what lesson is that?" Snape growled.

"That's for you to find out," James explained, "How was Lily's lesson? Did she do the flying thing?"

"The _what_?"

"The flying thing," Sirius cried.

"What are you talking about!?" Snape asked.

"'Guess she didn't," Sirius mumbled.

James' eyes sparkled and he held out his hand.

"Go on," James earnestly said, "Take it!"

"Ummm…no," Snape shortly replied.

"I won't drop you!"

Snape skeptically stared at him.

"I promise," James laughed, "Just take it!"

Snape didn't move a muscle.

"Look," Sirius spoke up, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

"But," James added, "The easy way is much more enjoyable."

Snape lifted his hand before bringing it back down.

"Trust me," James gently said.

"Trust you!?" Snape exclaimed, "Trust _you_!?"

James merely smiled.

There was no sign of mischievousness or callousness.

It was a warm smile.

A smile that was filled with compassion and love.

And so, though he was still hesitant, Snape slowly took James' hand.

A cascade of golden sparks swirled around them.

Snape realized that the ceiling was stretching upwards.

No…

He was shrinking.

As were James and Sirius.

James squeezed his hand and they floated into the air.

Snape was ready for his body to resist.

And yet, it appeared that he was weightless.

Sirius flew up next to him and took his other hand.

The three flew out into the vestibule and then into the Slytherin Common Room. The doors automatically sprang open for them. Snape looked around in wonder. He felt as light as a feather. A warm feeling had spread throughout his entire body. It was a wonderful feeling…

By the time they reached the Entrance Hall, a smile had spread across his face.

"Now," James slyly spoke up, "This is where it gets good."

Before Snape could say anything, the double doors opened.

The three flew outside, gaining speed and altitude.

Snape let out a bubble of a laugh as they flew over the castle.

They soared over the turrets and towers…they glided beneath the bridges and viaducts…they weaved in and out of the courtyard pillars…they skidded across the glossy lake…they dove towards the ground…they ascended up to the heavens…

Snape realized that the sky was dotted with thousands of twinkling stars. How had he never noticed them before?

He found himself grinning from ear to ear.

"Alright," James finally cried, "We best be on our way."

They soared into a bed of clouds.

The clouds parted and Snape realized that they were flying over a tall, crooked, house.

"Hang on," James cried.

The three flew right through the window. They were in a cramped kitchen/dining room.

A stout woman with fiery red hair was stuffing a small goose.

"Is that…the Weasley mother?" Snape whispered.

"You don't have to whisper," James laughed, "They can't see us."

"And yes," Sirius cried, "That's Molly. And there's Ginny."

They watched as Ginny came over to help.

Molly quickly wiped her eyes and offered her daughter a shaky smile.

"Don't worry, Mum," Ginny bracingly said, "I'm sure that they're alright."

A pair of twins—Fred and George—entered the room.

"Yeah," George cried, "They've been through worse."

"A lot worse," Fred agreed.

Molly gave a small cry and Ginny swatted at her brothers.

"Who're they talking about?" Snape mumbled.

"Who else?" James cried, "Harry, Ron, and Hermione."

Snape grimaced as he stared at the hole where George's ear had been.

"Yeah," James sighed, "Some bastard hexed it off."

Snape glared at him and growled, "It was an accident."

They watched as Molly sadly said, "I haven't had the time to knit the sweaters this year…I'm afraid that it won't be much of a Christmas…"

"It'll be a great Christmas," Fred cried, "At least we have this goose…"

"Yes," Molly agreed, "Your father was able to pick it up from Spells and Slices."

Snape frowned.

That was the name of the discount butcher shop in Diagon Alley.

"I'm surprised they're still open," George darkly said, "Few shops are anymore."

"This is certainly fascinating," Snape cynically cried, "But why the hell are you showing me this? What do I care about the Weasleys?"

"Think of them as one of many innocent families," James solemnly explained, "An innocent family whose suffering at the hands of a terrible war."

Snape rolled his eyes.

How was that his fault?

"Do you…do you think they have enough to eat?" Molly whispered.

"I'm sure they're feasting like kings," Fred cried.

Molly nodded, though they still looked worried.

"Where _are_ Potter, Granger, and Weasley?" Snape reluctantly asked.

James jerked his head and the three flew out the window.

They flew back towards the clouds once more.

The clouds faded away and Snape realized that they were in a shady forest. A shabby tent was set up beneath a thicket of trees.

Hermione Granger was anxiously sitting outside.

Harry was inside, suffering from what appeared to be a fever. He was covered in a cold sweat and was frantically thrashing around.

"So much for 'feasting like kings,'" James solemnly said.

"Where's Weasley?" Snape mumbled.

"He left," Sirius explained, "He'll come back, though."

"Good!" Snape cried, "Then…then they can get on with Dumbledore's task."

"They need your help," James matter-of-factly said.

"What?"

"They need to find a way to destroy the horcruxes," Sirius explained, "That sword that's behind Dumbledore's portrait ought to do the trick."

"Why aren't you sleeping in the Headmaster's Tower, anyway?" James asked, "Why're you sleeping in the slimy dungeons?"

Snape hesitated before sullenly admitting, "It's filled with Dumbledore's possessions…his presence…It was too much."

The other two sympathetically nodded.

"Well," James softly said, "Hopefully they're able to defeat Voldemort."

"That way future Christmases might be better," Sirius agreed.

"Speaking of," James cried, "We ought to get you back."

The three floated up towards the clouds.

They descended into Hogsmeade.

"Damn," Sirius suddenly grunted, "We're out of time."

"Snape, listen to me!" James exclaimed, "Whatever happens, just…"

And suddenly, they were gone.

Snape gasped as he crashed down onto a snowy roof.

The warmth feeling had disappeared.

Instead, it was replaced by a frigid chill.

Snape slowly looked up.

The clouds were swirling around.

Snape gasped as a shadowy figure slowly emerged from the heavens.

It swept down towards him and he screamed.

He turned on his heel and staggered away.

The shadow chased him to the edge of the roof.

Snape took a deep breath and jumped over to the next building. He continued to leap across the rooftops, slipping once or twice. The shadow continued to follow him. Snape could hear its horrid breath on the back of his neck. His heart sunk as he realized that there was quite a large gap between this roof and the next.

He took a deep breath and leapt.

All of a sudden, somebody grabbed him beneath his armpits.

Snape looked up and saw that James was holding onto him.

The two landed on the roof and ducked behind the chimney.

"Wh…what…what is that thing!?" Snape hissed.

"No idea," James admitted.

"And we don't want to find out," Sirius admitted, floating over.

"That's why we came back," James explained.

"Is that allowed?" Snape asked.

James and Sirius threw him skeptical glances.

"Point taken," Snape muttered.

"Come on," James cried, "We need to go!"

They each grabbed Snape's arm and the three leapt from the roof.

The three zoomed through the streets with the shadow in tow. They narrowly avoided the streetlights and mailboxes. They hid behind rubbish bins and shrubs. They skidded along the gutters and darted down alleyways. At one point, they ducked as icicles crashed around them.

Alas, the shadow ultimately engulfed them.

James, Sirius, and Snape held onto one another and ducked.

When they looked up, they saw that they were standing in a cemetery.

"Oh man," Sirius whispered.

Snape followed his gaze and felt his heart plummet.

A gravestone read:

SEVERUS SNAPE.

The tombstone was chipped and the ground in front of it was unkempt.

"It doesn't look like anyone's visited," James sorrowfully said.

"There…there has to be someone," Snape croaked, "Someone must miss me!"

James and Sirius exchanged glances.

The latter looked out over the cemetery before whispering, "There's no-one left."

"What?"

"There's no-one left to miss you," Sirius explained, "Everyone's gone."

Snape looked around and realized just how large the cemetery was.

His heart continued to sink as he read the names on the tombstones:

MINERVA MCGONAGALL

FILIUS FLITWICK

HORACE SLUGHORN

ARTHUR WEASLEY

MOLLY WEASLEY

WILLIAM WEASLEY

CHARLES WEASLEY

PERCY WEASLEY

FRED WEASLEY

GEORGE WEASLEY

RONALD WEASLEY

GINERVA WEASLEY

REMUS LUPIN

NYMPHADORA LUPIN

HERMIONE GRANGER

And then…

HARRY POTTER.

It was merely one of many rows of tombstones.

"So," Snape gasped, "Everyone…everyone's gone?"

"Voldemort and the Death Eaters must have taken everyone out," James softly said.

"Well," Sirius whispered, "He _is _invincible."

"He's not," Snape croaked, "They…they just need to destroy the horcruxes…"

"And how are they supposed to do that?" James challenged, "Without your help?"

"Is that what all of this is about!?" Snape shrieked, "You want me to help your son and his friends!"

"It's up to you, mate," James gently said.

"You're the only one who can put an end to this war," Sirius explained.

He hesitated before adding, "Or else."

The three shivered as they glanced around at the cemetery.

"Happy Christmas, Severus," James whispered.

All of a sudden, the shadow reappeared.

It dove towards him and Snape was plunged into a sea of blackness.

oOo

Snape felt as though he had been hit by a bludger.

He groaned and his eyes fluttered open

He slowly looked around.

He was lying in his four-poster.

His chambers were empty.

What a peculiar dream.

And yet...

He scrambled to his feet and dashed to the door. He practically flew through the vestibule and into the Slytherin Common Room.

A few students looked up, evidently bewildered by his wild behavior.

He pointed to a shocked first-year and cried, "What day is it?"

"It's...it's Christmas Day, Professor Snape."

Ah, so he hadn't missed it!

"Listen to me," Snape declared, "I want you to go down to the kitchens and wake the house-elves. Have them prepare a feast! Go, now!"

"Yes, sir!"

The first-year excitedly raced away.

Snape turned to another student and barked, "Fetch the Carrows."

"But-"

"Now!"

The student hesitated before obediently running away. Snape dashed back into his chambers.

He pulled a trunk from beneath his bed and flipped the lid open. He quickly took out a smoking vial and grabbed two wine glasses from his desk drawer. He quickly poured the liquid into both glasses and hurried back to the Common Room.

The student entered with Alecto and Amycus a few moments later.

"What is it, Snape?" Alecto sharply asked.

"A toast," Snape cried, "To this holiday."

The twins exchanged glances before each taking a glass. They both drained them in one gulp. Snape backed away as they crumpled to the floor.

Snape flicked his wand and their bodies flew into his chambers.

They would be there for the rest of the day.

The first student raced in and eagerly exclaimed that the house-elves were cooking.

"Well, what are you waiting for!?" Snape exclaimed, "Everyone…to the Great Hall!"

They stared at him and he cried, "Go!"

The students quickly raced away.

He could hear the buzz of their bewildered whispers.

Snape would join them momentarily.

He drew his cloak close to him as he made his way through the castle, announcing the feast to everyone that he came across. He finally reached an ancient gargoyle. The mention of a favorite sweet caused it to leap aside and Snape entered the Headmaster's Office.

He went over to the sleeping portrait of Albus Dumbledore.

With a flick of Snape's wand, the portrait lifted to reveal a small hole.

Snape gently pulled the sword out.

He gently waved his wand and the sword dissolved in a series of sparks.

He knew that it would appear near Potter's campsite.

Snape waved his wand again and whispered, "Expecto Patronum!"

A silver doe leapt out of the tip.

"Lead Potter to the sword," Snape instructed, "Ensure that Weasley gets there as well."

The doe gave a sharp nod and raced through the wall.

Snape took a deep breath before heading back down to the Entrance Hall. The air was filled with decedent smells and the sounds of pleasant conversations.

Snape smiled and whispered, "Happy Christmas."

EPILOGUE

Snape was standing in a room with no walls, floors, or ceiling.

James and Lily were standing on one side of him.

Sirius and Regulus were at his other side.

"Eaten by a snake," Sirius snickered, "What a way to go out."

His brother sharply nudged him.

"Look at the bright side," James bracingly said.

"What bright side?" Snape cried.

James shrugged and said, "You can finally do the flying thing."

The room faded away.

He was standing on top of one of the Hogwarts turrets.

Snape took a deep breath before leaping off of the edge.

The others followed suit.

A smile spread across his face and he soared to the stars.


End file.
